regular inConsistency

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Thu, 23 May 2013 22:53:00 -0500

I think my mother is trying to set me up with my 10 year old brother's friend's older brother whom I've never met before. She brings him up every 3 weeks and I don't know how to tell her that I have no desire to meet someone I haven't met before, which -- I know. I know.

Thu, 23 May 2013 22:49:26 -0500

Mom: I ran into (him) at their family party. He was visiting. He moved to Brooklyn the same time as you. He said you should definitely hit him up on Facbeook. His full name is (redacted). It’s spelt (redacted). He’s trying to be an actor, but right now he’s a waiter. Yeah, he’s waited on Whoopi Goldberg, Martha Stewart, Jack Hughman —
Me: What?
Mom: Jack Hughman and —
Me: Hugh Jackman?
Mom: I’m tired.

Reblogged for Hal, because a. I know he’ll see this, and b. we have also had a discussion about Jack Hughman.

First GPOYW in forever! Why now? I had a baby four weeks ago....

Wed, 22 May 2013 20:37:44 -0500

First GPOYW in forever!

Why now? I had a baby four weeks ago. Four weeks and two days. And, while there may be some truth to the “glow” during the first trimester/first half of pregnancy, the end is nothing more than a not-so-hot mess.

Pregnancy is hard. It’s wonderful and exciting and miraculous, but it also sucks. The fatigue wreaks havoc on your eyes. Your hormones turn your complexion to Hell—it’s not even an acne issue: your face gets dry and oily at the same time. It’s dull and discolored. It’s probably hardly noticeable to anyone else, but I’m kind of a Nazi about my skin so it bothered me. And of course, the swelling. You might remember that I got my drivers license renewed in January—only 3 months after it expired. I have put serious thought into “losing” that license and paying for a new one just to get a retake on my picture. My face is effing huge.

At this point it’s probably needless to say that I haven’t been in the mood to narcissistically put photos of my mug all up on the internets for the past few months. Fortunately most of the not-so-fun and not-so-pretty parts of being pregnant dissipate literally almost instantly upon giving birth. This has been a good snap-back for me. I even weigh less than I did when I got pregnant—less than I have in quite a few years at that.

Coming back with a vengeance, tumblr. Watch out for this momma.

Tornado Survivor Finds Dog During TV Interview

Tue, 21 May 2013 18:12:53 -0500

Tornado Survivor Finds Dog During TV Interview:

Bless this lady’s heart, she handles this pretty well. I’m 100% certain that I’d be losing my shit all over national television.

Attention ladies who like/prefer to smell good without being overpowering and/or smelling like the...

Mon, 20 May 2013 15:00:12 -0500

Attention ladies who like/prefer to smell good without being overpowering and/or smelling like the Clinique counter at Dillard’s (Can’t tell you the last time I wore perfume. Do women under 50 still buy perfume? It’s kind of like pantyhose—are those things even still on the market? Nevermind.). Or fellas with lady friend(s) who like to smell good. Or weird fellas without lady friend(s) who maybe just like to smell feminine-based hygiene products that smell good. Possibly even fellas who like to smell like ladies that smell good:

This

and this

http://countryscentssoap.com/proddetail.php?prod=701

I’m not messing around. You will smell better than you have in your entire life (and simultaneously probably attract every bug in a 15 mile radius). You have been advised. Go now!

Seriously though. Easy on the perfume. You’re trying too hard.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:06:11 -0500

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Seriously lovin’ it.

Tue, 14 May 2013 13:28:12 -0500

Seriously lovin’ it.

drink your juice.: I was just lying in bed with my shower-wet hair wrapped in a towel...

Sun, 12 May 2013 23:10:51 -0500

drink your juice.: I was just lying in bed with my shower-wet hair wrapped in a towel...:

christinefriar:

I was just lying in bed with my shower-wet hair wrapped in a towel trying to unpack why the ever-growing social media holiday blitz bums me out, when I stumbled onto a thought train that I felt okay about.

Somewhere along the line my mom decided to be a mom. She chose me. I was in her, and she…

Mother’s Day weekend!

Sat, 11 May 2013 15:22:45 -0500

Mother’s Day weekend!

I’m eating a Fat Free Tapioca Snack Pack that I found in the fridge, but I can’t even...

Fri, 10 May 2013 16:26:11 -0500

I’m eating a Fat Free Tapioca Snack Pack that I found in the fridge, but I can’t even recall the last time I bought these. The packaging indicates that it’s ”Best by May 28 2013”, but I’m going to be honest—the freshness of this stuff is clearly questionable.

… yolo.

So, I’m sitting on the couch and watching daytime TV (which is terrible, by the way), and the...

Wed, 08 May 2013 13:56:15 -0500

So, I’m sitting on the couch and watching daytime TV (which is terrible, by the way), and the name of the defendant on Judge Alex is ”Harry Johnson”.

Just so we’re all on the same page in terms of my maturity level, every time this dude’s name is mentioned, my inner 13 year old boy chuckles.

Newborn photo purge. That is all. No no, one more...

Tue, 07 May 2013 12:34:43 -0500

Newborn photo purge. That is all.

No no, one more thing—

15 days after delivery, I am one pound from my pre-pregnancy weight.

THAT is all.

lolwut.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 08:32:42 -0500

lolwut.

Anna! #thingsimade

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:15:29 -0500

Anna! #thingsimade

B-I-G ... P-O ... P-P-A ...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 12:46:35 -0500

90s at noon on my radio. I dare you to not sing/say it.

The Day After Tax Day

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 18:10:00 -0500

First of all, yesterday sucked the biggest balls. Like … more than I can even convey. Last year I’m pretty sure tax season was officially over for my office by noon. Yesterday, we were still INPUTTING returns into the tax program at 5pm. No bueno. I’m certain that having a full-term infant practically hanging out of me didn’t help matters, but eh. I lived through it. Just saying. Rough day.

Something else terrible happened in the middle of the night (technically early this morning). First of all, we ordered in pizza for lunch yesterday so everyone could continue working without starving to death. In addition, we all went out for Italian for dinner last night. I chased down my alfredo pasta with 2 full glasses of lemonade.

Let’s hash through that part again in more easily put-together pieces:

Pizza + other Italian cuisine + citrus beverage + full blown pregnant + how many times have I already bitched about how awful my heartburn is?

Bingo. Up at 4:30am with the reflux. Spitting. Blood. No joke.

I know what you’re thinking because I’m thinking it too. “You have a history of excruciating heartburn and you consumed everything imaginable that will cause a flare-up. What did you THINK was going to happen?”

I swear I had ZERO heartburn all day long. But still…yes. I get it. I asked for it. I don’t know. Just let me cry about it for a minute.

ON THE PLUS SIDE! Today was a paid holiday. I used it to cash in on a mani/pedi gift certificate I’ve been saving since Valentine’s Day. Then I went to my final doctor appointment. I am dilated 1cm (YOU GUYS. MY CERVIX IS DILATED 1CM) and this baby is coming out, at the latest, a week from today. This is getting serious.

This has been an update. Seacrest out!

Why can I not just have all of the puppies in the world.

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 17:47:21 -0500

Why can I not just have all of the puppies in the world.

Bombing at the Boston Marathon. You know how this situation could have been avoided? If only bombs...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:03:00 -0500

Bombing at the Boston Marathon.

You know how this situation could have been avoided? If only bombs were illegal!

Oh wait.

I miss you, Chandler Bing.

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 12:52:26 -0500

I miss you, Chandler Bing.

That reminds me ...

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 11:44:00 -0500

Last night, something adorable happened.

Preface: At 8 years old, my daughter has not yet mastered the art of riding a bike without training wheels. Number of factors contribute to this. Mostly lack of interest, but also, she’s a chicken-shit and gets frustrated easily by not being able to master something within 10 minutes. Example: This girl sobbed as a preschooler that she would never be able to read because she couldn’t figure it out in one night. She is now (literally—not just saying this because she’s my kid) the best reader in her class.

Anyway, last night.

Ava comes into the house upset. In tears. When asked what’s wrong, through quiet sobs, she explains that so-and-so teased her about not being able to ride her bike.

Uh-oh.

We give her a few minutes, and her dad offers to take her outside and practice. She accepts. She’s getting better, her terror of wrecking just holds her back from really getting going. The bike goes back into the garage and Ava feels better; now wants to go back down the block and play with a little boost in her confidence.

Not long after, the doorbell rings. One of the neighbor girls is standing on the porch and I can hear a gaggle of others and commotion out alongside the house. Ava is on another girl’s bike with one of the older kids guiding/pushing her along. There is a small gang of children frolicking around them and watching/cheering her on.

I wish I would have gotten a picture. Hands down one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Almost tears. Being a parent is weird and hard and great.