regular inConsistency

He looks as though he smells of wet cigars, urine and body odor. As well as sports the ol’ onion breath. (I hope he blogs about his urine smell).

He looks like Vin Diesel without muscles.

Pitbull looks like the biggest fucking dork alive.

nee’ (Because tumblr limits # of characters in replies and I’m long-winded)

Sorry we couldn’t stay in town for dinner last night. When an 8 year old, a 7 month pregnant woman, and a … Hal, are all worn out and getting hungry, an hour+ wait is no longer an option. We know our limits. Rain check on the Roja.

Thanks for coming out to help Ava celebr8 (see what I did there??) and Happy THIRTIETH Birthday today!!!

MOST RECENT EXAMPLE OF PREVIOUS POST

Scenario: seeing @grumpycookie’s hairless (wtf) testicles on my tumblr dashboard. AND THEN, seeing them again, reblogged by another male who is an apparent fan of internet balls.

RE:

Once in awhile I skim through my own recent posts, and I see this:

I just need to reiterate that—regardless of this image being of someone whom I have repeatedly deemed the hottest man alive and in all likelihood my true and genuine soulmate for life—the face in the .gif is sheer coincidence.

This single image most accurately sums up my reaction to what’s happening around me at least 75% of the time.

 

Yay for not having to deal with THAT again!

Never had to!

Did you pass?

87. Aced that shizz.

Hey, if you wanna brag about the size of your hubby’s dong, just come right out and say it! /enjoy celibacy

Lulz.

That wasn’t exactly what I intended to insinuate. To summarize the situation behind that statement, for the past 2 days I’ve been waddling around with the uncomfortable sensation of pelvic pressure—like an infant head is already hanging out of my vagine. (It’s going to be a long 10 weeks.)

Today, I am experiencing some unexplicable relief. Whether intercourse actually CAN be credited to that, I have no idea, but I doubt it. It’s probably just my bones/body finally making the spatial adjustments necessary to accommodate. 

But if your mind wants to go to straight to the size of my hubby’s dong, I’m not here to judge. I always liked that purple shirt anyway.

How to effectively disgust someone and probably screw yourself out of having sex again for the next 3+ months

• Hal: My eye feels very dry now. But the redness is going away.
• Amber: Glad to hear that sex didn't make you blind. I'm walking easier than I have all week. Guess everything got pushed back up to where it's supposed to be. :)
• --no response for a lengthy amount of time--
• Amber: ...officially grossed out?
• Hal: Oh god yes.

New receptionist brings food to work an average of every other day. Muffins, cookies cinnamon rolls, etc.

Can’t decide if I love her or if she’s trying to ruin my life.

January

Thank God that shit’s over.

Tax Woes Season

You guys, I’m really trying not to be this person and do this, like, ‘all tied up in my job, I know more than you do’ thing because as a occupational imperative, I sort of have to follow politics to see what’s changing with tax laws, although it is increasingly becoming pretty much the most irritating thing comprehensible. Basically, the more you follow politics, the more pissed off you become, because a. Srsly. Fuckin’ politics. and b. you become acutely aware of how little SO MANY other people actually know what they’re talking about. And I cannot STAND when people who don’t know what they’re talking about actually think they know what they’re talking about. I honestly don’t know if anything drives me more crazy. Anyway, at this particular moment, I’m talking about the people bitching about how their taxes went up and their paychecks are less this year. I feel like I should preface what I’m about to say by making it clear that—in case you haven’t already figured it out—I cannot STAND Barack Obama. Seemingly likeable enough dude, but awful President. Even more frustrating is that his loyal followers think that he can do no wrong. That somehow, a tax hike on the ”super rich” (who already seriously generate ALL of this country’s revenue as it is), which is projected to generate an additional $600 billion dollars of revenue in the next 10 years, is going to magically compensate for the $14 TRILLION dollars that the next 10 years of welfare programs are going to cost, given their projected path. That many Americans having been paid unemployment benefits for TWO YEARS seems perfectly acceptable. That it just sounds like such radically conservative right-wing bullshit to suggest that frankly, a lot of people need to just get off of their asses and become self sufficient, as opposed to unapologetically being a big part of the problem. All of that being said, just settle down. No one raised your taxes. Two years ago, as part of a stimulus, your taxes were cut by 2%. TWO PERCENT. At the end of 2012, that tax cut expired. So again, they didn’t really go up; they went BACK up to what they always were, pre-2011. And again, it was only 2%, so, really? I mean, really?! If you’re missing 2% of your check that much that you think you can’t survive without it, wtf. Get a paper route or something. Cut your Netflix. That’s $20 from a $1000 paycheck. Calm. The fuck. Down. What we ought to really question is this: whose brilliant idea was it to cut SOCIAL SECURITY taxes to begin with?! Because omg the government has no monies anywhere, but social security is SO fucked that it’s a legit possibility that people my age could be dicked out of it by the time we hit retirement. Of all places, where can we spare some revenue to give taxpayers a break that they’ll barely notice?! Social security?!?! *drops microphone and walks offstage*